Rediscovering my travel blog

When I logged into Facebook today I noticed my sister had shared my South America travel blog on her page as some of her friends were thinking of travelling over there. Now I haven't really read any of it since writing it, although I keep meaning to turn it into a book to keep for myself, but reading through the entries tonight, I found it really interesting and at times plain hilarious. Some of the similes I used...

So tonight let me take you through South America: the highlights.

My grandmother's advice for dodging dog crap on the pavements in Buenos Aires: "you need eyes in your toes".

On climbing Huayna Picchu (the mountain in all the Machu Picchu snaps):  "Thank god for the ropes in places to help you pull yourself up - this track is steep! One wrong step and you're a goner! The views from the top made it all worthwhile, giving you a birds eye view of the ruins. The summit is a few big boulders perched on top of one another. There are ruins right at the top here - me thinks the Incas were slightly loco. I'm proud of myself for getting up there. And then down, down, down, very, very, slowly. In one part I was shimmying down the path on my bum, like a cumbersome spider."
On a Peruvian taxi ride:  "Upon returning to the taxi, however, I discovered we weren't going to be going anywhere else in a hurry. The driver had locked the keys in the car. A group of men hovered around it, attempting to break in using all manners of instruments, from the thing you use to test the oil levels, to something that looked suspiciously like a machete. They were having no luck. It appeared noone had a clothes hanger." 

On eating guinea pig:  "Lunch was guinea pig. Boy are they hard to eat. Well in public anyway. In the privacy of my own dining room I could probably devour one quite quickly, ripping it open and tearing off what little flesh there is with my hands and teeth. But alas, in polite company one must use a knife and fork and let me tell you, it's no mean feat eating a guinea pig in that way. They come out on the plate with teeth and claws intact." 

On a conversation with a Peruvian family at a bullfight:  When they asked if I’d maybe marry a Peruvian man, I laughed and said it’s not likely as I’m taller than most of them. One of the older ladies replied that I need a man 3 metres tall, which led to a holy crap, imagine the size of his penis joke by one of the mums. We were in hysterics for some time. 
A description of a bull fight:  What happens is they release the bull and it charges right around the ring, the matadors teasing it with pink capes and then running back behind the box things that you find at various intervals around the ring. Then normally one of the matadors ventures out further and gets the bull to charge his pink cape. This continues for a while and is my favourite part, as the bull is really aggressive but hasn’t yet been hurt so he’s got heaps of energy. I have to remember to breathe as I’m holding my breath every time the bull gets near the matador, certain that this time, he’s going to be gored! Actually I’m kind of egging the bull on. Get one over the bastard that’s going to kill you eventually! I think it’s a bit like car racing; I for one, am watching just to see if someone’s going to have a spectacular crash! The matadors do some pretty daring moves, but always so gracefully, like they and the bull are partners in unchoreographed and dangerous dance. 

The out comes the man on the horse. This is my least favourite part, and by the amount of trash from the crowd that rains down on him and the boos echoing around the stadium, others share my sentiments. His job is to stab the bull with a pole to open up an entry for the matador later, and to also slow the bull down somewhat. The horse is wearing a kind of armour but still sometimes the bulls horns get underneath

. The horse is blindfolded so he doesn’t freak out that there’s a 400+kg hamburger with horns stampeding towards him.

Once that’s done, two of the matadors have to stick their two sharp sticks (in the colour of their country’s flag) into the bull. I think this is the most dangerous part as they have no cape to distract the bull, using only their unshielded bodies to intice him to charge.

Next, the matador who’s turn it is comes out into the ring with a red cape. There were matadors from Peru, Spain, Mexico, Colombia and Venezuela. They play with the bull a while, getting him to charge the cape, and getting huge applause from the crowd if they kneel backwards in a Danny Zuko on the dance floor kind of way, in front of the bull. It’s all very exciting. 

Then, his sword is bought out to him. Time for the kill. The best ones get their sword right in to the hilt in one attempt, the bull then immediately falling over, dead. Some of the not so good ones take up to 10 tries, their sword bouncing off the bull’s thick hide, the crowd getting increasingly frustrated with them.

On waking to a 6.9 earthquake:  My 'holy crap' moment of the week was when I was rocked awake at 7am one morning. Literally. My bed and the wall behind me were moving quite violently. As I emerged from a deep slumber I realised that it was an earthquake. Seconds later it dawned on me that I'm in Peru and I don't think this building is all that sturdy. "Should I get out of bed?" The room continues to shake or rather, roll. It felt like an ocean swell was moving under the floorboards. Decision made, I leaped out of bed and under the doorframe to ride it out. Seconds later, it was over. One way to start a day

On the beginning of what was to be the mule ride from hell:  The tour company had said that it'd be 6 hours of horse trekking, followed by a 2 hour descent. Well, my horse arrived and it looked suspiciously like Eeyore. A friggin mule. As we were patting its face, the guide shouted not to do that and that they are very dangerous creatures. He then pointed at me and said that I'd be riding it, "Jump on". Great. 

On my ferry grounding in the wop wops of the Amazon:  

Attempt to free lancha

. This time with 2 small boats and 3 men with bare hands pushing against the side. One is 15 horsepower and the other, 60. No luck. Shouts of Adelante! Adelante! Everyone to the front. I'm standing next to a cow with a grotesque compound fractured leg - poor thing. I think they are destined for the freezing works, but they should put us both out of our misery by shooting it and serving it barbequed for lunch. 

8.30am. Everyone to the beach. There's 2 evacuation craft this time. I brush my teeth and go to the bathroom first. The other gringos don't want to go until the fat lady who weighs 3 times most of them, gets off. I don't mind. A day at the beach it is!
On sunset on the Amazon: Sunset = wow! Simply magical. The sun was a huge (that should be underlined) pink ball hovering over the jungle. The water was as still as a lake, save the ripples made form the lancha. And then, to top things off, a splash. Was that...?? Another. Yes. A river dolphin leaping periodically across the river. this what travelling is all about! 

On being groomed by monkeys:  Locals called them english monkeys because of their gingerness. They were really friendly and if you sit quietly they'll come right up to you and start grooming your hair. Was such a strange feeling to have a monkey picking things out of your hair (they need a resident monkey in every primary school in New Zealand I reckon - no more nits!).

On white water rafting:  The difference between the rapids is on a grade 3, you enjoy the rapid while you are on it. It's fun. You paddle with a big, goofy grin on your face. On a 5, however, you are paddling like mad just to get through it and out the other side in one piece. At times you are paddling in thin air as the raft hits the peak of a wave, and at others you are just gripping the paddle, eyes squeezed shut as the raft is completely submerged by a churning wall of water, but never stopping paddling until you hear the guide scream stop. In a grade 4/5 it's only when it's over that you go, "Holy crap, that was AWESOME and we are all ALIVE!" 

On eating ants in Colombia: "They are very crunchy and chewy and there is nothing worse than having little ant legs stuck between your teeth. Never again!"

On caving: Some of the stalactites were pretty impressive - in one part small, white stalactites covered the entire roof of the cavern. Wow. There was also a former column, now suspended in the air which was supposed to look like an elephant's foot but could have equally been an elephant's testicle. Impressively big though.

On camping in the Colombian Caribbean:  The puddles became a playground for large frogs and my trip to the bathroom was nerve-wracking after being told to watch out for the alligator that hangs out around there...what?! 

On Colombia's obsession with brick: This city is so well organised! If it wasn't for all the ugly brick high rises (I hate brick!) I would be tempted to live here. On the brick note, even the Cathedral here is made of brick and is apparently the 3rd largest brick structure in the world (whatever possessed someone to built 2 larger?!). 

On the awesomeness of Medellin's interactive science/technology centre: If the forts in Cartagena were like Wright's Hill on crack, then this was like Kelly Tarltons swallowed a P Lab. 

Right bed time for me. If you want to read more visit http://blog.travelpod.com/travel-blog/kiwimumsie/1/tpod.html

I can't wait until I'm back over that way again!